Over doing it a bit

In 1972 my father had above his desk at Supermold in Lodi California a comic deriding the over zealous efforts of others. It has been said Peter the disciple of Christ was a zealot and at times no doubt I am rather intense. It does me good to recall this graphic on occasion, for the sake of laughter, for the recognition that “Naderism” has been recognized as the largest cost increase to all things in human history, to reconsider my own motives for “improving”things.

http://4thefallen.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/osharacehorse.jpg

This graphic on many occasions over the past year has been in the forefront of my mind and it is time to share it.

Verizon..Very Vile

More than a year ago I lived in Atlanta Georgia and the number one provider of mobile telephones is AT&T.  I had had a Blackberry telephone for the previous five years and my blackberry was broken so I went to the AT&T store to get it repaired and was told that at the present time that they had no ability to obtain another Blackberry or repair mine but I could look at another phone.  The salesman said the closets thing to what I had was the Apple iPhone 3G.  Having been a PC user for more than 20 years, my skin rebelled against the idea of owning an Apple.  However, there was no other choice and I bought an Apple iPhone 3G.  The learning curve was small because the phone is designed to be self-explanatory even in the data area  After about a month, I came to realize that he Apple iPhone was better than any PC I had ever owned, and it was only a telephone.  I was pleased.  A few months later, I bought my first Apple computer, the new MacBook, I was pleased. It was wonderful, I became a fan of the Apple.

As life progresses, I have found the only thing constant in life is change, my residence in Atlanta was abruptly changed to Springfield, Georgia.  Springfield is a rural community outside of Savannah.  AT&T does not provide any services outside of Savannah. In fact, if I wanted to use AT&T I had to live in down-town Savannah.  I had already chosen my residence in Effingham county a community just a few short miles from the down-town area, and the only carrier of cellular networks in Effingham County is Verizon, who claims to be the worlds largest mobile phone provider. (As does AT&T, everyone is the “largest provider” apparently as they can all legally twist the numbers in their favor, but Wiki does PROVE Verizon have the most users)  I asked them what the closest phone to the Apple iPhone because Apple has signed a contract wit h AT&T to be the sole provider of the Apple iPhone in America, even if they don’t provide a phone service to an area so I could not buy an iPhone and use it on Verizon, even though Verizon was the only provider of Cell phone networks in the area where I lived.   The salesman told me that on the day I came to the provider, that the Droid was the closest thing there was to an iPhone, provided by Verizon, in fact he stated that it was Verizon’s “rip-off” of the iPhone.  To have the same identical service agreement that I had with AT&T for $99 a month I had to pay Verizon $160 a month.  Welcome to rural America!

I asked the salesman if the Droid phone had international capabilities because I travel to Europe.  I was told that the Droid was international capable.  As I later found out, this is not exactly the truth.  The Droid only worked in 7 cities in the entire world outside the US.  No, I did not say 7 countries, I said 7 cities.  None of those cities are in the UK. But Europe’s largest provider is Vodaphone, a Verizon company.  Imagine my frustration as I prepared to depart for Europe and found out that my phone was not GM capable., and therefore not usable in MOST of the civilized world  And so, I worked with Verizon to obtain a phone that was GM capable and that would work in the UK.  I was told that the Blackberry International was the only phone that I could obtain, even though I only needed voice and no data.  One month rental of this phone, even though I was a Verizon customer with a contract, was $259!!.  I already had a contract with Verizon for my Droid, for $189 a month.  The Blackberry telephone did not have a camera.  I could not take any photos and automatically upload them to my account.  Verizon had service contracts with only one company in the UK, Vodafone, so the telephone attempts to seek out Vodafone as a provider, even if a Vodafone tower is the weakest signal the Phone sees.  Once the phone is connected to Vodafone, it can never connect to another network with a better signal, unless the phone is powered off and then turned back on.  Imagine driving through a city, like Manchester UK, where Vodafone is the Verizon company: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verizon_Wireless provider, however, not the only provider with mobile phone towers, and the Blackberry phone is designed to seek out the strongest signal and connect, so under a conflict of telephone programming and Verizon design, the phone cannot receive or send calls, but doesn’t  tell you if you have moved out of a Vodafone provision area or that your phone is connected to another provider and “blocked” because you are Vodaphone.  And so, a 4-week stay in the UK resulted in a telephone that only worried for 4 days for $260.  Yes, I was dissatisfied as  a customer of Verizon.

When I purchased the Droid, I purchased a service contract in addition to the warranty, so that if any damage occurred to the phone, I could get my phone replaced or repaired.   When I was with AT&T I had done the same thing for my iPhone, under the direction of the salesman. While owner of my Apple iPhone on AT&T, I had cracked the touchscreen.  All I had to do was walk in to the Apple store and they replaced my screen in less than 10 minutes at no charge, because I had purchased the extended warranty.  AT&T was not allowed to work on my Apple iPhone, even though they sold it to me, but luckily, working in Atlanta, there are multiple Apple stores to choose from to recover my telephone quickly.  There are no Apple stores in Savannah GA.

The screen on my Droid is cracked.  I do not know why or how the crack occurred, the phone was not dropped.  However, it was the determination of Verizon, that ANY cracked screen was not a manufacturer defect, it was owner abuse, and therefore it would not be repaired under warranty.  However, I had been a customer that had purchased an extended warranty.  The extended warranty was purchased via a 3rd party company, not Verizon itself and even though I had purchased a contract for $8 a month, to have the phone serviced would cost an additional $100, through my extended warranty program. The service representative at Verizon was very kind and provided me with the phone number or the 3rd party service provider, Asurion.  A quick call that evening provided a pre-recorded message that I should use the internet to complete my claim quickly.  I hung up and immediately began the process of an online claim.  Less than 10 minutes into the claim procedure I was told by the website that claims could not be completed on the web because I would have to fax a copy of my passport or driver’s license to verify that I was indeed the registered owner of the phone, even though my name, address, phone number, and serial number of the phone, all matched my service contract.  I printed out the form and filled it out by hand because it could not be completed online and printed!  I then drove to the nearby Verizon store and asked them to face the document to the fax number printed on the top of the form, and waited for my return phone call within the promised 3 hours.  The next day, still having received no call, I returned to the Verizon store to discover that they were unable to complete my request because the fax number was  not valid.  Verizon had not called me to tell me the fax would not go through.

In comparison to the AT&T and Apple experience, Verizon was becoming VERY unfriendly, and ludicrously expensive.  I have discovered that I can go back to AT&T and get an iPhone, with all of the previous capabilities, for only $99 a month.  Yes, it still will not work in Effingham county, but whenever I leave to go to any other place, it will work.  Even though Verizon has misrepresented the capabilities of the Droid and the cost and features of the service contract, I am locked in to a service agreement that cannot be broken.  To solve my problem with Verizon cost, I can obtain a cheap Verizon phone off E-Bay  and down-grade my account to a non-data, non-text, no voicemail plan and still have my new AT&T iPhone and maintain a Verizon phone, at less cost than I could have my previous Droid plan!  I must maintain a Verizon telephone with the telephone number that I transferred from AT&T because to transfer my number back to AT&T, even if I get another Verizon phone, incurs penalties and additional fees for contract breach; that is how Verizon works.  The motto of the Droid is “In a world of can’t, Droid can”.  What can Droid do better than anyone else?  Screw you and cost you more money!

My recommendation to all providers of mobile phones to their employees; avoid Verizon if this is an example of their top-of-the-line product and service.

Absence

In the low fading light of twilight I walk on the narrow path across from my new home and begin to recognize the wonder of it all, life. It is wonderful to regain what has been lost, to walk again without aid, to smell the familiar aroma of charcoal heating steaks, to hear music from a distance, to enjoy the afterglow of joy from a phone call from one loved. These things all lost and one by one returned to me as time passes.

You could say that the “taste” of life is how it “smells” to you. It is not possible to taste without a good sense of smell. I know this now because a severe brain trauma can take from you senses. Boy, are they missed. The joy of eating taken when it is but the texture that defines what you consume. The joy of a Spring day taken because you can not smell the flowers, or the morning less thriving because you can not smell the coffee. Even if you do not drink coffee, even if you have never smoked a pipe, the memories that come splashing forth of loved ones and happy days gone by are previously awaken in a whiff.

As I walk, I type this on my iPhone and feel the light rain fall on my skin and see it dance on the screen. Pain, real pain takes from you the ability to feel such drops and distracts you from seeing the detail of life. Pain takes from you the ability to even stand, let’s forget about even walking.

God is good, all the time; all the time God is good. These words spoken to me often by a friend, Wesley Corbitt take new meaning now as I begin yet a new chapter in a once closed book. I have loved, I have lost, I have labored, now I heal, I have roamed, now I am home. Yes, life is a circle, the world is very small, our time is very short.

A fairly new friend (in real life none the less) in my life, Eric Litman, wrote a book recently published and distributed, “I Love My White Shoes.” It is a story for children of all ages, even the kid in me because it speaks a life truth; “It’s all how you look at things.” Pete the cat speaks age old wisdom often lost by even the wisest men. Stress in American life is a testimony to this forgotten truth.

And so, in the words of  Alice Sheppard, “You never know what you’ve lost until it’s gone.” Or in the words of Mac Davis circa 1974, “You gotta Stop,and Smell The Roses.” Slow down my friends, slow down and look around.  Take a deep breath. Savor the flavor of life. It’s gone before you know it.

There’s a pirate in me

I, have a friend, imagine that. I took the opportunity to follow the scalawags example and quiz myself. Mmm, well apparently none the matter however I answer, I end up a career pirate with ambition. Not mild ambition either apparently, which explains perhaps why I am where I am in life at the moment. I kinda like “CEO of the sea” made me smile. If you care to test yourself there matey, see below the Skull n cap matey. And thank you to my south seas friend for the link and the pleasure.

You are The Cap’n!

Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man – or woman – you couldn’t eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You’re mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that’s his problem, now isn’t? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones’ locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed – a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What’s Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

What is the tie that binds?

Each of us is different, yet the same. We are a band of thieves, stealing from each other. Stealing the time we should be giving each other. Afraid of exposing ourselves, afraid of giving more than we receive, afraid of looking weak or letting others know our weaknesses. We act like bullies in a playground by stealing from each other the most valuable thing there is, and that is the time we give each other in words and actions that do not include mutual distraction like television or ball games. The time we give our children together, the time we walk and talk, the time we can exercise together, the time we can record our lives together in photography, writing, picnics, and chores about the house that provide us a sense of accomplishment of a job well done; the burden shared, not divided.

It makes little sense that we can live alone and do tasks such as lawn-work, laundry, cooking, cleaning and yet when we are joined with another, we divide the work into gender roles and spend our time alone. Didn’t we become “one” to spend time together? Why then, once joined, do we strive to spend time apart? We grow in different directions instead of like ones. And slowly like splitting wood for the fireplace, we place a wedge of division between us, splitting the one, back into two, or three, or more.

Awaiting the fire, divided into portions are the logs of our lives

“What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” Words often spoken but seldom recognized. Most of the time it is not an outside person but ourselves who place the wedge between us, some out of fear that they will be recognized as weaker than the facade displayed to the other to win affection, some out of selfish desire, others, unwittingly believing “That’s ‘his’ job”, or “that’s ‘her’ job.”

There is an old gospel song, “Blest be the ties that bind our hearts together” that should be true, not only in our marriages, but in our relationships together as a family, a synagogue or church or neighbors. Yes, Christ is the tie, and no stronger tie does he bind than the marriage to one chosen, but it binds us to our children, our parents, our neighbors. It is ‘a tie that binds our hearts, in Christian love, a fellowship of kindred minds is like to that above’. Yes, it is like a glass of water; it can be doled out in teaspoons, or it can be a drink from the glass. No teaspoon greater than the other, but a refreshing swallow of pure delight, not sipped, but drank in down refreshing volume revitalizing the ones who partake.

Imagine the joy of the Belgium at Bastogne as the force joined together from all the states delivered them from bondage, from the oppression, the scalding drink of Germany. The task could not have been accomplished by just anyone, but by the joining of “the all Americans” a drink of freedom was delivered and by the joining of the nations. But a nation is not one corporate entity unto itself; it is the men and women who comprise it. And that nation, that city, that family is comprised of “like minds” who who hold certain truths and values together in shared union.

Where is the United States today? Was it not founded “One nation, under God, indivisible?” And now it is not just 50 states, but it is further divided just like a log is divided before it is prepared for the fire. The church is divided, the politics is divided, the faiths are divided, the ethnic groups are divided, the economic classes are divided. The very things that brought us together are destroyed just like the institution of marriage for one life to another. We “divide and conquer. (Divide et impera)” We destroy the temple”; we destroy our lives and our children’s lives because we have lost our focus, our cause, our love. We have become Hannibal Lecter. We divide the body into parts and wrap them in cellophane to clearly identify the ‘one’ but not the body.

How do we then recover, how do we then survive? Our strength is in our numbers, our strength comes from the lifting of spirit, the sharing of toil, the like mindedness that brings a smile to our faces as we hold each other’s hands, as we sing together in a magnificent sound, not that of one voice, singing in the darkness.

I have fallen, and while my body mends, my soul does not. I do not even reach out to bind my heart to the one who created me and mended me. I retreat into myself and mourn all that has happened as I have become the great wood cutter, “Paul Bunyan” preparing my life for the fire.

Pray for me, pray for your spouse, pray for your children, our nation, our world. Pray before the whole is cast into the fire.

Created in His image; another lesson in Wisdom (101 ) learned

This morning a feeling came to me as I spoke out loud to myself. A feeling of regret, a feeling of grief. And then, a realization came to me; how is this different? How is this different from the One who created me? Genesis 6:6 “And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.” Oh yeah, God feels regret. God feels grief. And am I ever the cause.

I loved a woman for more than fifteen years with my heart. Not the unlimited heart of God, but with my mortal heart. And the words I spoke out loud this morning as I lay next to the ones she created in her womb were “I love you Sharon.” My very next thought was of regret, “Why did I say that?” How is it that with all that happens and has happened in my life I have not swept this dust from my life?

Why does He love me? What have I done to deserve this affection? I fail Him daily. I am the prodigal son, the prostitute, the tax collector, the very soldier who speared His son in the side. Not just because those examples were akin to me, but by my very actions, by my very callous actions done often without thought. Selfish ambition, selfish desire, unsure of my own self worth seeking approval or recognition from others.

Paul said in his letter to the Gentiles; Romans 6:1-2 “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?” Why do I continue to twist the shaft of the spear into the side of His son? Why do I leave Him to seek my own riches? Why did I pour out my affection without the daily thanks for the very presence of her? And then this thought. I am a selfish man. At times I am ungrateful for the very gifts so freely given to me.

My life was spared. It was not just a gift for me, not just for the children that now share a tiny time with me. I am but a breath in time to God. My children are all of time thus far for me. So, God opened my mind this morning to share a little wisdom. Tears fill my eyes. Didn’t I pray for wisdom about the same time I prayed for patience? Are you not learning both even now? Complain about such little things as a broken body? Didn’t God allow his own sons body to be broken for me? Be careful what you ask for, it can be delivered in the most painful ways. Be careful what you believe in. “Pay attention silly! I have so much more to show you.” Like the man who looks out over the waters to give safety to his charge, He’s a lifesaver.

Be still my heart, be still

It’s been more than six months since I was released from the hospital. The journey to get here has been interesting. Each day I learn new things about myself and about my recovery. Today was no exception. This morning I had some difficulties surrounding thinking.

Sometimes you just can’t think. I really noticed it after I left the doctor, I had parked in the garage at Crawford Long Hospital, but I was unable to find my truck. I finally had to let go of my pride and ask for help. I remembered which direction my truck faced and I remembered that I was facing into a wall; in my mind I had parked facing a North wall, which helps since the parking garage has four directions of walls. I could not remember the floor. Credit is due; the compass in my head still knows north, east, south and west even inside where no sky is visible. I thought I had parked fairly close to the entrance but as it turns out I had parked on the border of level D and E, I am thankful that I was not the first person to have lost his car. Apparently this is a common occurrence at Crawford Long Hospital (Emory University Hospital Midtown), in that they have a man who drives around in a golf cart and assist patients and their families find their vehicles when lost.

At least I was able to remember how to get to the hospital with the help of my GPS of course. The next realization that I might not be “all there” occurred on my way home as I drove down Monroe Avenue. I noticed a Starbucks Coffee at the corner of Monroe and Virginia. Fully realizing the help that caffeine plays in my ability to both stay awake and to think, I stopped to get a cup of coffee. Now there had been a Starbucks coffee on North Highland Ave., so I asked the person who served me how long the Starbucks had been open and was told they had been open several months. I then asked, of course, how long after the closing of the other Starbucks they had opened. She looked at me very strangely. You see in my mind Starbucks closed in January of this year 2009 but according to the person that served me that Starbucks had been closed for more than a year. What further was disturbing in my mind, but not shared, was that I had never seen a Starbucks here and I had passed several times. I’m pretty aware of what the coffee stores are in my neighborhood here; San Francisco Coffee on Highlands just a couple blocks from the house and there is Caribou Coffee across the street from Ansley Mall. And then there is the tea house coffee shop which is the corner of Virginia and Highlands and lastly the Seattle Coffee in the Borders Books on Ponce. These of course do not compare to the coffee pot given to me by my mom that resides on the counter in the kitchen and coffee has become almost a daily staple in my recovery.

I take medication every six hours to help me deal with the neurological pain. This medication has the side effect of drowsiness. Now that added to the fact that apparently I hit my head pretty hard and I scrambled my brains. The doctors refer to this as brain trauma, but in my mind it is referred to as scrambling the egg. Once I had a cup of coffee and sat for a few minutes, things became clearer to me. While I sat drinking my joe and typing away on my laptop, a friend called and asked for my help. I proceeded to get in the truck and wandered to the grocery store. One of the first places you visit in the grocery store is the produce aisle and as I wandered through produce aisle I noticed sweet peas. This brought a smile to my face and then I began to think why. A memory of childhood sprang to life. It was on a trip to South Dakota from California. In an effort to get me outside like all boys need to be, my mother had directed me to go out back and help my grandfather in the garden. Grandfather was pulling weeds and hoeing. Along the rows I began to pull weeds after they were clearly identified to me. Of course I must have been under 10. There in the aisle upon the right were the sweet peas growing on their vines. I remember picking a pod and stuffing it in my mouth. The sharp and sweet flavor burst upon my mouth. I believe this was the first time I had ever eaten a raw pea pod. A pea is not just the pearl inside the pod, but the entire pod! It was a flavor and experience that will remain with me for the rest of life apparently. I did not have permission to eat the fruit off the vine, but once I made it clear to my grandfather that I had done so, I was given permission to enjoy a small portion. Many years later, I would live in Georgia and experience something. It was the Southern peanut. Immediately upon taking taste of a raw peanut, I realized the similarity and understood why they were called Peanuts. Not long after that I enjoyed the flavor of boiled peanuts. I was introduced to this by my then wife, Sharon. I learned many things through this woman, and I’m grateful for my opportunity to be with her.

So I immediately grabbed a small handful of peas and stuck them in a produce bag, looking forward to the opportunity to plunge a few in my mouth. Once home from the grocery I sat at the desk to type this letter with the peas in front of me. My sense of taste has not fully returned and been developed since its loss, (ah brain trauma) so the pods do not taste the same as I recall they did before my fall and from childhood, but they do have a taste. So today, it being two hours after a good cup of coffee, I can think clearer than I could this morning upon waking. The embarrassment of this morning, not being able to find my truck in the garage and not being able to recognize the location of Starbucks has passed. Now of course there were other minor things that occurred. It has taken me a while to figure out, but I noticed that I have the ability now to be calm while I sit and think about what I’m doing. This is a change from the hidden anxiety and impatience of my business past.

Earlier in the week I helped a friend, the friend who called me to her assistance, so I feel okay sharing on occasion my short comings. I told her of my experience, and she smiled and commented. Apparently I am very hard on myself and I recognize this now, for others often lose their cars in a parking garage. This had never happened to me before, and I live in a large city with lots of parking garages. I did not share with her my inability to recognize a Starbucks, but I did recognize the fact that I am hard on myself, because apparently other people experience the same things more often than I and they have not fallen and bumped their head. As I drove home from the grocery a song came to mind, and I sang it. It was so song of thanks and adoration for a God who is able to heal. I like the icons that sit upon shelves of Buddha and Mohammad and others, my God has no image, and yet he is able to do all things. Reminds me of another story about a fellow named Baal.

Hopefully I will be able to write more. Hopefully I will be able to remember that I have written. I recognize that I am afraid of things unknown. I recognize that I do not understand how I will be delivered from this current circumstance. Yesterday I went to the Georgia Department of Labor, because I’m enrolled in the program for the handicapped to help me return to work. As the man in charge of my case told me about my evaluation the following Tuesday, he commented on the type of jobs that are currently available in this depressed market. Something clear became clearer. I have been fortunate to earn more than the minimum wage. My long-term disability insurance, which paid once a month, is greater than the amount of working 40 hours a week at minimum wage. If I began working my long-term disability insurance is terminated. If I began working the money that my insurance company gets from Social Security is terminated as well. My current monthly expenses exceed 40 hours a week of minimum wage. And this is just to pay for place to live, gas for my car, insurance for my health and 10 year old auto and food from a stomach. It became clear to me why some people choose to live on government aid and not work. What is the motivation to work other than to escape the confines of where you live? It’s not like people in my current economic condition run out and enjoy a local restaurant or local bar or local entertainment. How much more unlikely is it for someone who was just on government aid?

I have understood something in my life in the past year and that is God often waits until we really need something and provides it just when it is needed and not before. I believe this lesson is called patience. This lesson is called trust. And so as my heart longs for the companionship of another, my wallet aches for the sustenance to pay for my basic needs, and my mind wonders about the joys unspeakable that I would have experienced in heaven, I learn patience. This is not unlike the anxious awaiting of his 16th birthday, to be able to obtain a drivers license. This is not unlike the completion of the senior year of school. This is not unlike the day that we are joined with another. The prize is at the end of waiting. And so I speak these words, “be still my heart” In 24 hours I will be with my children, be still my heart and recognize that today is the first day in the rest of your life. What a journey it has been; what a journey it will be.

Wild at Heart – review

This is a book review of sorts. Wild at Heart is written by John Etheredge and is the focus of one study group I participate with. It comes with a workbook that takes you much deeper into the material asking questions that do not come to mind as you read the book, but this is not a response to the workbook. This is not a knee jerk reaction to the literary value of the work and I am not a book critic, I am just a simple man. So, read the comments with the understanding that I write these words more for me than for you, so that I may better understand the material and where it takes my mind. You will note that I use a hyphenate version of the almighty name. This is in respect and because some of my friends are Jewish and if I wish to reach them with my words, I cannot offend them with my misuse of the most high’s reference.

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Each day I learn about G-d’s grace. I was created in the image of G-d, and in that image I am to understand but a small bit of the exuberance, the joy, the pleasure and the wonder of all that is. The wonder of where and what I am is but a drop in a thimble, for how can I begin to consume all that is within my reach; how can I understand the greatness of all that is, how can I compare what I now know to what I will see on that day I am joined by grace with the others in that place He went to prepare for us? So great is our G-d, that our imaginations but pale to reveal him, but yet he instilled in us those things we desire, those things we wonder, those things that please us. And then, we learn. We learn of patience, compassion, learn of beauty, we learn of companionship, we learn of the pleasure from pleasing others, we learn how great our G-d is because of grace. And we live out this life to learn something for the future, to learn how to observe, how to explore. And so as I read “Wild at Heart” I sense a longing to be free of the constraints, the limits of every day city life. There was a time when there was no radio, people spoke to each other. That time had no television or video games to absorb our hours, no endless lists of requirements and rules. We did that which was required to eat, sleep, and wonder at creation, thanking and praising the one who created it all as we laid our heads to rest in the satisfaction of a day. And we were gifted with women who can see beyond our limited sight, because they were created to live by emotion and feeling and guard us from short sightedness. They produce out of love, children who grow to be like us but yet more than were are.

The book points out another key issue in my personality, the need to be admired, to be wanted, and because of that need I strive. I strive to walk. I strive to earn a dollar because of what those earning may provide to gain the further admiration and devotion of another. It is why a man buys a diamond ring. What purpose, what value to a man is a ring at all. It can’t cut my meat; it can’t drive me to work in comfort. It cannot heat or cool my home; it cannot feed me or my family. It is not a prize for me; it is a prize to have the one who wears it.

So, the question left dangling in my mind so far is this, “Have I lived?” I have spoken a phrase to some that applies to others, “Regret is the strongest emotion of man. As we look back, we often regret and it molds us into action or remorse.” Yes, I have lived and it is not over yet. I have known the hunt and the hike, war and peace, wonder and awe, life and death. I have known love and betrayal and of the last I speak this: How could I understand the pain of Christ in his heart, had it not been the loss of love so precious to me? She was my closest and dearest friend for 17 years. No, I did not create her. No, I did not know her thoughts and her every action, but I knew her love and her potential to share it completely. Is this what G-d desires from His creation? Does he long for the closeness, the admiration, the communication? I believe he does and when we selfishly turn our backs and go about our way, he must feel the agonizing pain that an “ex” feels or that a parent who loses a child feels. I have said, no man should ever suffer the loss of his spouse because of me, because no man deserves the pain of love such as this lost. How much more appropriate then that G-d should not suffer the pain of our lost soul. After all, he gave his only son for a ransom.

It takes Eldridge three or more chapters so far to ask a simple question. “Who are you?” Perhaps having a man simply evaluate honestly this statement and then Eldredge being direct in his philosophy could be a more productive method of addressing manhood. His direction on who a man was originally designed to be is sound, but the next question that immediately came to my mind was, was this written by a woman? Eldredge projects a view of G-d as masculine, so from a chauvinistic point of view I must presume that it is written by a him. Wild at Heart says that men have a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to fight for. It tries to project these activities onto the life of G-d. In the words of the title for chapter two, G-d is “the wild one in whose image we are made.” So, G-d is a wild man? Eldredge’s description of G-d and his “adventure” leaves me with an unbiblical picture of G-d. For him, men are risk-takers and adventure-seekers at heart because G-d is a risk-taker and adventure-seeker at heart. Men are foolish, G-d is not. 1 Corinthians 3:19, “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to G-d. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.” Yes, I was created in the image of G-d, but this is but an image, and often a poor reflection. I had previously attributed this to a physical attribute more than a mental one and I assume G-d is not physical. Even donkeys could think! Balaam’s spoke to him in Numbers 22. Was the donkey created in G-d’s image. I think not. So, perhaps those that men have been given dominion over are here to report on our ung-dly behavior?

Men are wild at heart, but it is because we are defiant at heart. We seek to go our own way, be free from the rules of society and free from the judgment of others or G-d. Men are wild because we have become so out of selfish ambition, not because G-d made us to defy Him. Yes, he knew the outcome of His work and He was sorry, but alas, He was to provide us a veil, a curtain, a “scape goat” to stand between us and His righteous judgment. How great is our G-d? Well, greater than I can imagine in my foolish wisdom. so am I wild at heart? Yes. But out of selfish rebellion, I am a hellion and bound for there am I except for the Grace of a heavenly father.

I love my new day. I love my new life!

Last night a friend Susan invited me to share some time with her and her good friend Eric. Anytime to spend with people is a chance to not focus on myself. Off I wandered to a local Mexican restaurant within a short walking distance, but also a very short drive for a man who sometimes makes terrible faces when he walks. You know they say a frown wrinkles the face and I am not getting any younger. So, with pleasure I joined Susan and her friend Eric whom I had met before. Eric was pleased as punch to tell me about his newest adventure with Pete the Cat.

Now I happen to enjoy a good read and things take a bit longer now to read. This is just what the dog ordered. Every ‘book’ has a message not obvious to all readers. Some call it a hidden agenda, others call it the message in the bottle. “It floats upon the sea, just trash to most, but to the one who picks it up and finds the message…” Ah Eric! You have a tale to tell.

Now, not a man to tell another mans tale. I have a tale of life to tell myself, I will just recognize that “I love my new day, I love my new life!” I recommend that you wander over to Eric’s web page and learn about someone who recognizes that it isn’t about what is said about you or what happens to you; it is about how you embrace either, or both. I hope you enjoy the adventure Eric has with Pete. A smile to my face it does bring and a smile wipes away those wrinkles from terrible faces that I could make.

I love my white shoes

Lazurus

I am pretty sure the yellow jumpsuit, kept my insides, inside.

Lazarus (in Hebrew: El’azar or Eleazar “God (has) helped”). Though I have been a man often too proud to ask for help, God has been right here, helping beyond all comprehension. I have been learning so many thing about life, such as, “Pride comes before the fall.” I know there is a reason I’m here, for against all odds I am. On March 1, 2008 at around six p.m., while my son photographed me diving and my daughter played nearby, I fell in a spectacular skydive, which became tragic just a minute before I would have landed. I fell 500 feet at speeds estimated greater than 70 m.p.h.

I started skydiving again after a 20 year break from military parachuting, in part to turn back the pages of time, for just a year before I had been divorced from a woman I spent 17 years with, losing my wife, my children, my home, my job, and my life’s dreams. I even considered for a brief time cashing in the chips myself. We all suffer because of sin; this is not punishment, but simple cause and effect. Sometimes sin severely affects those around us. And just as a child walking along side us can fall, a child of God can fall and be hurt. I had been severely hurt just a year before by the emotional loss of a woman I loved; the injuries of my next fall were paramount.

God was there with his toolbox and each tool had a time and place. That day a paramedic had also jumped and just minutes before had successfully completed his dive and was heading home for the evening. He heard the cries of astonishment when I struck the ground. Blaine Kunz rushed to my side as my son stood crying out “Daddy” to no response. I had broken both my femurs, shattered my pelvis, ruptured my diaphragm, crushed my heart, collapsed my lungs, the list goes on. Blaine kept me alive until a helicopter arrived to rush me to Grady, 35 minutes away. On board, I had a cardiac arrest before reaching the ICU.

Again, God pulled out a tool on the flight deck of Grady. I was transferred into the care of Dr. Ray Matthews and a team of physicians, nurses, and specialists who performed triage. After reaching 300%, they stopped the triage evaluation. The chances of death were above the threshold and they stayed there for the next two months as my family and co-workers prepared for my death.

In John 11 we read the words Jesus spoke, “Lazarus, come out!” I never heard words, but have been told my first words on waking were, “Please pray for me.” And pray they did. Beyond my knowledge, hundreds of people were praying for me and God was answering their prayers for a purpose. Very much like awaking the brother of Martha and Mary, it wasn’t a reward for Lazarus, but a gift for those around him. Lazarus, like me, was on his way home. God used Lazarus as a tool in his toolbox, and now it is my turn to be a tool.

Each of us is a tool in God’s toolbox; we might not even be aware he is using us. We may be focused on a job, or sports, or a love, or just silly stuff. Are we making the tool any more useful? I have been reminded that God did not act to leave me hanging in the wind. While I recover, my company has closed because of the economy. And now, I pray, God point me. And yes, I want to become a sharper tool, more useful in the BIG picture, not my own little painting. God has a purpose for each of us; we just need to be ready and willing or he will let us “bounce” until we pay attention.